So, what are we discussing today? The title might sound like Pati, Patni aur Woh! But in essence, it is all about ‘I, me and myself’. A little bit about ‘others’ as well. Something that would sound a bit complicated. It is actually simple to understand up to a certain level. Beyond that, it would require a lot of analytical deep thinking, lateral thinking etc. At the face value, today’s topic is about the hard wiring of the brain vs cultural compulsions and values. And then we are putting ‘relationships’ in the mix to make things exciting, intriguing etc. I thought of writing on such a topic today because of the prevailing common issues in relationships I see these days. I’ve been coaching people for quite some time now and lately, a lot of them have been coming to me to get an insightful breakthrough in the relationships space. I personally think, it is the most difficult area to coach someone in.

That is why I thought of dissecting the fact of why do relationships go bad from the values and hard-wiring stand-point. I’m talking about relationships, as in, marriage, live-in or even as basic as just dating. Why do most of the relationships today have an expiry date? Is it actually good that relationships these days have an expiry date? Then what would you say about times when people believed in mending things instead of throwing it away. Also, why is divorce considered as a non-event in the western world and why is it such a big deal in South Asia?

Let me tell you an interesting story, which is based on Clare Graves’s research. A part of that research/story talks about how marriage as a concept came into being. He called this research or the concept which emerged out of it as ‘Spiral Dynamics’. In my Emotional Intelligence training/certification, we do ‘Spiral Dynamics’ in great detail so that you understand your core values in totality. Afterall, we are not in the right frame of mind if some value or belief is violated. But I’ll be explaining the relevant part to you in the form of a story to give you an overall picture. The story starts thousands of years ago when it was stone age. We are talking about the ‘Cave-man’ time. What instinct did the cave-man have that time? Reactive! Kill, eat, drink, have sex! That’s it! No concept of values or morality. You could say, the instinct was more of a ‘survival’ instinct. There was no concept of marriage in this era. In fact, all strong men took control of all women and naturally weak men were left with nothing. This doesn’t sound too good especially if you are a woman, but that’s how it is. Remember ladies, women empowerment and feminism are concepts of 21^st century and there was not much thought put into this before that. This means, it was quite natural during this era to have more than one partners and somewhere it was deeply hardwired in our system (brain). Now, the brain although it had the same architecture as it is today, it was much more reactive. Remember, we are reactive today as well, but there is covering of values, culture, appropriateness which is taught since childhood. Try ordering a pen drive from Amazon (or any online shopping portal) and you will get a parcel which is much bigger than the actual product. Basically, because it has many layers of the covering. These layers are an analogy for values, culture and in general the ‘appropriateness’ which is based mostly on geography.

Man, during stone age was mostly individualist but that changed when the ‘Tribal’ era came along. This was the time when humans truly became social beings. There were tribes all over the world and each tribe had it own set of ‘rules’. Most of these rules were based on superstition and spiritual signs. We are not talking religion yet. Religion came much later but it was during the tribal era when the concept of marriage came in. Almost every tribe had a concept about marriage. Obviously, the consistency was not there globally. But somewhere, the fact that all strong men had control over women was corrected during this period. One man-one woman concept made it’s grand entry. Interestingly, the tribal era also had concept of symbolism. How do you know if a woman is ‘taken’. That is when women started wearing some symbols to signify, they are ‘not available’. I know this probably sounds a little offensive, especially to women but this is how exactly it was. But men did not have any symbols on them to indicate they are engaged. You see this happening even today in some cultures because over the centuries we have not only passed physical and psychological characteristics to generations to come, but also the value systems. The sophisticated civilised human being today has a rainbow of values which are picked up over generations and civilizations.

Just to give you a glimpse of what happened after the tribal era, we had a ‘Powerful self’ time when people who didn’t quite give importance to the ‘rules’ of the tribe, started their own line. We were back to being individualists again. Obviously, there was chaos. But then came another reason for everyone to come together and this time it was religion. We call this era as ‘One true way’ era when people followed certain God, King, Queen or a Prophet. Then there was industrial revolution and capitalism made its grand entry. Profit was considered as the most important aspect of existence and not much was thought about the underprivileged and the environment. So, when the divide between the rich and poor increased and it was visibly obvious that environment was getting screwed big time, we had Anthropologists making their way. They believed that profit doesn’t mean everything, equality, nurturing and preservation is also important. This is how NGOs came into existence. Apparently, someone noticed that being a part of some NGO is not necessarily about doing service to the society at large. These guys made a statement, “I will do good, but I will do it my way”. That is the ‘Integrated self’ era which we are seeing these days a lot. Need of the hour I guess when there is lack of jobs. People are believing in starting their own firms with innovative offerings. Then we have the ‘Pluralistic harmony’ era where you have highly spiritual people who believe that everyone is connected to everyone. Hence it is important to smile (even if it is to a stranger) and do good to others.

I’ve given you a very surface structure idea of spiral dynamics concept. There is, in fact, much greater depth to everything I’ve just mentioned. We, as in the human race, have been through all these eras and we have picked up values, beliefs, rules from each era which is passed on to next generations. These stages can also be correlated to a baby growing up and that makes everything interesting. Just to summarize the eras:

• Survival sense (Baby, when it is born)
• Tribal sense (between the age 1 to 15 years when the child is totally family oriented)
• Powerful self (16 to 24 years when the child questions/rebels against the family)
• ‘One true way’ era (24 to 35 years when the individual is expected to follow processes while working)
• Enterprising self (Industrial revolution) (30 to 45 years when people get the urge to do something on their own and start a business)
• Green zone (equality and take care of the environment) (mostly after 45 or 50 years when people feel like giving it back to the society)
• Integrated self (I will do it my way) (beyond 35 when people feel like doing something unique to beat monotony)
• Pluralistic harmony (We are all connect. If a butterfly flaps its wings in Africa, there could be tornadoes in Russia) (after 50 when we all suddenly become ‘wise’)

*Just a little disclaimer: The ages which are indicated above can be different from case to case based on personality types, value system, education, overall experience in life.

Do you realize that through all that you have just read, clearly you can make distinctions of what is hardwired in your brain and what man created as a part of social compulsions. For example, sexual instinct was always hardwired in our system and the proof is the fact that we have a reptilian (reactive) brain. So, irrespective if you are married or not, committed or not, there is a tendency to at least look at the menu, even if you don’t order. What was never hardwired was the concept of ‘one man-one woman’. Marriage is something created by humans way back even before religion came into existence as a concept. After religion finally made it’s grand entry, the concept of marriage upgraded itself to various levels as if it
was Android upgrading itself. But the basic essence remained. Now, if you extrapolate the implications of what I just said, you will say, “Then everyone should be following the hard wiring and sleeping around left, right and centre”. But it is not only about sleeping around. It is about every aspect of human interaction. Your coffee partner may not be your spouse. The best advice may not always come from your committed partner, which is why you rely for advice on someone else. You may be having an alcohol partner who could be of opposite sex, yet, there is nothing more to that. Which is why, I don’t understand the definition of fidelity and infidelity because I don’t understand its scope. One way of getting scope into this for anyone who considers fidelity very important is physical infidelity and emotional infidelity. In the movie ‘Dear Zindagi’, the character Dr. Jehangir Khan played by Shah Rukh Khan has made an interesting statement. “It is indeed injustice done to your committed partner to expect everything from him/her”. People need to acknowledge this fact. By the way, this doesn’t happen exactly the same way with everyone. Don’t forget the concept of wrappers and covers over the main product which was delivered by Amazon. Well, some people have tough wrappers and covers of values, rules and beliefs which are driven by culture, tradition, religion etc. Of course, some of us may not even look at the menu card, forget about ordering, because of this tough cover.

Generally, I’ve seen this cover getting a little weak beyond the age of 35. Rings a bell? The start of mid-life crisis. And this is not necessarily true only in case of relationships. We see the same trend for careers as well. What do you think is the average age when people feel like shifting their careers? Between 35 and 45. That is when they start saying, “I will do it my way”. ‘Integrated self’! You are right!

Now, where do relationships go wrong? Lots of reasons. Simple disagreements could also ruin relationships. The thought processes not matching is a major stake holder. Some unwanted habits could hit relationships big time. Then there is a concept of 3^rd element. This 3^rd element could be any person ranging from a family member, relative, a friend or anybody who the partner is going to for any need (coffee, advice, support, alcohol) etc. What people don’t get in the current relationship; they go in search of it in some other relationship. It could be sexual or non-sexual. You will be surprised that most of the time people are not able to digest even a non-sexual relationship by his/her partner, forget about digesting a sexual one. Afterall, selfishness is also a value. Generally, people have to understand the concept of hard wiring compulsions of the brain and the fact that nobody is perfect to satisfy all needs by themselves. Again, let me remind you that this may not be the case for
everyone. It depends on the Value system and how strongly it is being followed by that individual.

This is a parallel concept in jobs and careers. What you are not getting in the current job, you will try to get it in another. And of course, in older times, we had people believing in staying in the same job till retirement. Proudly they would say, I am retiring from the same desk from where I started my career. You can’t imagine anyone saying that today do you? Extrapolate this and you will see the value of marriage (of any kind) diminishing. But why is it diminishing? The reasons go down to the level of brain hard wiring.